On journal Keeping

Eugene Peterson introduced me to the spiritual discipline of journal keeping. Actually it was Eugene Peterson who introduced me to most of the spiritual disciplines I've ever practiced. Not that I hadn't heard of spiritual disciplines, of course. Most of us have heard of many, many things we've never tried. But there's a huge difference between hearing about something and seriously practicing, as we all know, only to well. But Peterson actually made me go beyond hearing about journal keeping to actually practicing.

At first it seemed a complete waste of time. Daily writing (uhhh, notice the word "daily"!!). I saw no benefit. I felt no benefit. As far as I could tell, I reaped no benefit. It seemed nothing more than a tedious waste of time.

One day, a little more than six months into the practice, six months of tedious, time-wasting, daily journal keeping, I was pretty frustrated with the assignment. As a means of procrastinating, to avoid actually writing, I started at the beginning and read my daily entries for six months.

It blew me away. When reading them as a whole, all at once, I could see what was happening. From the perspective of overview, I saw things I couldn't see from the perspective of daily: I saw trends. Patterns. Growth. Progress. I was stunned. I was growing, partly as a result of the intentional practice, even when I hadn't noticed that I was growing.

Fast forward: Years later. My youngest daughter Liz keeps an online journal, which I read regularly. I love to see what she's reflecting on. I love listening in on her growth. And I am amazed. I hope to be like her when I grown up. Just see what she wrote today:

i've been talking about wealth alot lately. that's a dangerous thing to do when one is idealistic and has no dollars and is trying to avoid buying a cell phone and needs lunch and has so so so so much and is busy and just got a job at a restaurant in plain view of the state capitol and wrestles daily with such things as music piracy and steal-from-rich-to-give-to-poor tendencies.

i'm in a ridiculous place in my life. i've chosen to live in this intentional community that values simplicity and intentionality and grace and generosity, and we're situated on the most valuable plot of real estate i'm likely ever to inhabit. (by the way, you're all invited to visit and drink tea and play trivial pursuit. you'll win, i promise.)

i'm not sure how to go about reconciling the concepts of hospitality and radical thought. i just get a little dizzy with all this dichotomous thinking. as in, how do i have an honest conversation about myself and my politik with Moneybags without coming across as pretentious, impetuous and generally affronting? like follows:

Moneybags: i am brimming with cash.
liz: buy me dinner. also, i hate wealth. you suck.
Moneybags: i am brimming with cash. and i hate you.

in essence, i'm not satisfied with anything close to the status quo. and, i'm wrapped up in a neurotic ball of self-consciousness and extroversion. i know the world isn't done cooking. and i know that i'm not done cooking. and i don't know how to interact with such a nebulous thing being such a nebulous girl. i'm broke and rich, and i don't know how to ease out of the role of liason between Moneybags and Bum, because that is neither a healthy nor helpful place to be.

i don't know how it'll all end up, but i don't know whether i should be hoping to change the world or to make the world breathe deeply and smile. i'd like it to be both.

The Lord be with you,